What I Think About When I Am Meditating Slightly Exagerated for Comic Effect

Start time after procrastinating for 15 minutes on facebook. 

I have to do this. 

Five minutes later.

Remember my breathing. Check watch. 

Ten Minutes later. 

What was I doing? Oh yeah remembering my breathing. Was I supposed to count my breaths? Crap, I forgot. Shit, I said crap. Check watch. 

11 minutes later. 

Only a minute has passed. Okay, I am not checking my watch.

20 minute later. 

Wow, I feel relaxed. I can change my whole life. 

25 minutes later. 

I will change the world! 

50 minutes later. 

My back really hurts. I can't feel my legs. Why did I choose to try for an hour and half today.  

60 minutes later. 

Ommmmm. 

70 minutes later. 

I am ugly. No one loves me. The world is dying. I suck with people. I am in a room alone, because I am ugly and disgusting.

80 minutes later. 

I love everything. The world is beautiful. I am so glad I did this.

90 minutes later.

Times up. I feel so relaxed. I have to work tomorrow, but I feel I can meditate  all the time. I will be mindful and relaxed. 

95 minutes later. 

I am a golden god! I am a golden god!  

100 minutes later.

I have to go to work tomorrow. 

Shit.

Why I Meditate?

There is pain inside me that can not be distracted by drink or pleasures. Pain from regrets, flaws, lack of gratitude, and greediness, or loss. When I sit and meditate I feel everything and there is no escaping from reality. I see myself for who I really am. There is nothing more important for me at times than to just sit and breathe. 

Though I've repeated mistakes, I am working towards diminishing their frequency until I can reach a higher level of understanding. Choices that seem black or white on reflection seem to harsh. Too often, I think about what I can lose instead of what is gained by present opportunities. I too often regret decisions that ultimately led me back to where I was instead of seeing the focus gained from my mistakes. I move too quickly. My plans for the future diminish my respect for the present. 

At Mulme Healing Farm in Jeju, I have a friend who is giving me some space to sit and meditate in his beautiful building. Such space is what I need from my friends. There are no distractions here. I can go get them from some effort but because they are so temporary. It's easy to get back on track. From him and I others am finding a community of peers who can give me this space and understanding. I am grateful for my older brothers and his compassion. Still, I could alway have more gratitude for what I have. I can always further my relationships with those I've hurt and make stop conflicts that are unnecessary. There are so many other things, but what I really need to do now is step away from this box and meditate because my words don't really matter that much, but my present actions.

"Think about why we are alive on this planet."- Yang Hejern